TheMommyBlog

Wednesday, June 15, 2011    QOTD, �

What kind of family do we live in where I can win a “quiet” contest?
—Logan

Saturday, June 11, 2011    Family,  QOTD, �

My son has announced he wants to go to the local Jesuit prep. I get that; it’s an excellent education and I attended one. I just read up on admissions and saw that preference is given with proof of Catholic baptism.

Me: Argh! I told you we shouldn’t have baptized them Espiscopalian!

Mom: Think about it. Not being Catholic saves them a lifetime of restrictive values that discriminate against women and a climate of repressive religiosity and it saves you $180,000.

Saturday, June 11, 2011    Family,  QOTD, �

Me: I’m just sayin.’

Guy: You never “just say” anything.

Wednesday, June 08, 2011    Me, Me, Me,  Fun Stuff, �

I’ll be re-launching this site over the weekend with a fresh new design, so I’ve been busy behind the scenes! (Also? Laid up and trying to store memories of what it’s like to rest in bed because summer starts Monday.)

In the meantime, enjoy some smart folk humor from Guy’s dad, who is coming to visit next week (yes, there is a bed ready for you).

The Washington Post’s Mensa Invitational once again invited readers to take any word from the dictionary, alter it by adding, subtracting, or changing one letter, and supply a new definition.
Here are the winners:

1. Cashtration (n.): The act of buying a house, which renders the subject financially impotent for an indefinite period of time.
2. Ignoranus : A person who’s both stupid and an asshole.
3. Intaxicaton : Euphoria at getting a tax refund, which lasts until you realize it was your money to start with.
4. Reintarnation : Coming back to life as a hillbilly.
5. Bozone ( n.): The substance surrounding stupid people that stops bright ideas from penetrating. The bozone layer, unfortunately, shows little sign of breaking down in the near future.
6. Foreploy : Any misrepresentation about yourself for the purpose of getting laid.
7. Giraffiti : Vandalism spray-painted very, very high.
8. Sarchasm : The gulf between the author of sarcastic wit and the person who doesn’t get it.
9. Inoculatte : To take coffee intravenously when you are running late.
10. Osteopornosis : A degenerate disease. (This one got extra credit.)
11. Karmageddon : It’s like, when everybody is sending off all these really bad vibes, right? And then, like, the Earth explodes and it’s like, a serious bummer.
12. Decafalon (n.): The grueling event of getting through the day consuming only things that are good for you.
13. Glibido : All talk and no action.
14. Dopeler Effect: The tendency of stupid ideas to seem smarter when they come at you rapidly.
15. Arachnoleptic Fit (n.): The frantic dance performed just after you’ve accidentally walked through a spider web.
16. Beelzebug (n.): Satan in the form of a mosquito, that gets into your bedroom at three in the morning and cannot be cast out.
17. Caterpallor ( n.): The color you turn after finding half a worm in the fruit you’re eating.

The Washington Post has also published the winning submissions to its yearly contest, in which readers are asked to supply alternate meanings for common words.

And the winners are:

1. Coffee, n. The person upon whom one coughs.
2. Flabbergasted, adj. Appalled by discovering how much weight one has gained.
3. Abdicate, v. To give up all hope of ever having a flat stomach.
4. Esplanade, v. To attempt an explanation while drunk.
5. Willy-nilly, adj. Impotent.
6. Negligent, adj. Absentmindedly answering the door when wearing only a nightgown.
7. Lymph, v. To walk with a lisp.
8. Gargoyle, n. Olive-flavored mouthwash.
9. Flatulence, n. Emergency vehicle that picks up someone who has been run over by a steamroller.
10. Balderdash, n. A rapidly receding hairline.
11. Testicle, n. A humorous question on an exam.
12. Rectitude, n. The formal, dignified bearing adopted by proctologists.
13. Pokemon, n. A Rastafarian proctologist.
14. Oyster, n. A person who sprinkles his conversation with Yiddishisms.
15. Frisbeetarianism, n. The belief that, after death, the soul flies up onto the roof and gets stuck there.

Friday, June 03, 2011    Our Holiday Curse,  Bad Mood Dude,  Family,  QOTD, �

Holy crap am I ready for this thing to run its course. Yes, I know I said I had strep, but that was just a happy coincidence. Something to distract me while the E. coli went to town on my kidneys. We had to go through a list of about a dozen antibiotics before finding one that would knock this out, and even so had to switch after two days. We don’t know yet if this is the crazy strain terrorizing Germany and is spreading across Europe and the UK. However, I did get sick following a week in the UK, hanging out with a bunch of Germans. Hoping to hear it’s not. Hate to be case #3 in the U.S. (Update: love having a brilliant pathologist in the family; not the European strain. No lab confirmation, just deduction from available sources.)

Now, I am going for daily shots of rocephin in the hip. If you’ve ever had a shot in the hip, you know it smarts. Well, rocephin is very…thick. Like a gel. So they have to dilute it with something, usually lidocaine to act as a pain killer. The catch is that a doctor has to administer it; nurses aren’t allowed to mess with lidocaine. I just happened to walk in today when the doc was slammed, so the nurse had to do it. She came in with an apologetic look and said, “I’m so sorry. I had to dilute it with water.”

It took me a sec to absorb that. “Okay, but why are you sorry?” She looked even more miserable. “I’m not allowed to administer lidocaine.” Oh, well, how bad could it be?

VERY FUCKING BAD, APPARANTLY. Holy shit, I have never felt such agony, not since labor, and even that let up every few minutes. The drug is viscuous, so it has to be injected a tiny bit at a time. Three whole cc’s. Daphne held her hands over her face the whole time.

At first, I thought, pfffft, I can handle this, I’ve had worse. NO. NO, IN FACT, I HAVE NOT HAD WORSE. I DON’T EVEN KNOW WHAT WORSE IS AND IF THERE IS SUCH A THING WE SHOULD IMMEDIATELY LEGALIZE LIDOCAINE AND SELL IT AT GAS STATIONS AND MINI-MARTS ALL OVER THE DAMN PLACE.

And of course I don’t want to scare the kids into thinking routine shots are anything to be afraid of. But Daphne could tell, and went for the jugular. She skipped to the car. “Hey, mom, try this, it’s really fun. Or maybe you could jog in place.”

“Why don’t we just walk home? And then I could ride a bike up a mountain.”

“Yeah, in your big Madsen so we can all ride in the back!”

“Maybe just a jumprope contest. And then spankings.”

“Oooh, spankings!” I have been letting her watch too much Monty Python.

But my Mom scored the QOTD during the ultrasound.

Just as the room darkened and technician applied gel and began running it along my flank, Mom shouted, “It’s a boy!”